The son once and she tells me that after all this time I should be over it. There are occasions where I leap out of bed with a whoop that I know must be alien but still. And then the others where eyelashes all jammed and the thought of just disappearing from myself, some amazing kind of birling vortex to suck me away into nothing at all.

And I continue working for it is all I can do, and I drink my teas and I read my papers and I goes my walks and talk talks breathe breaths and eat

You'd be amazed by her, her perseverance, courage in the face of adversity, if I can now admit to loyalty that as well then surely I must. Once in all this time she has chastised me publicly which is not much granted that I objectify her, that I was put here to do that and half the time you can't even get off on it, it doesn't work, it gives you nothing at all. And my wee son who isn't wee, he's out there doing the same and feeling its benefits, feeling its pretend vigour and well good luck to him, even with me being there it would've been the same, no difference. And then she's leaning up from a punter - she leans up - and shouts the order and I give a smashing smirk and slap on eggs, sausages, mushrooms. The radio plays and I grunt and whistle to myself and you can't love others if you can't love yourself like a bloody mantra that and the other faves

1. With every day, in every way, I am becoming happier and happier, and happier and happier, and happier and happier.

2. The man who gains the world but loses himself in the process loses everything.

3. Pressure in the mains, like a hammer to the head, and a promise is a

In here most days palm you the odd distraction. Those crawling in with a found pound coin from the side of a bin, wee lassies that should be at school but know better, bowl-faced students. You can scrape a laugh but even she hard businesswoman I think knows the hollowness of it and what can you do but just take the next step and it's ok to close your eyes when you're doing it. We don't go holidays and I always insist on decent stuff we argue like cat and dog Christ aye you wouldni believe it the beauties. What is intimacy anyway, that's not what we have, I don't know what you would call it and the physicalities disgusting really now, ludicrous; porridge

then again thinking once on those trees we were and laughing and slinging the camera down to someone and nearly falling out after the damn thing, clinging for dear life to a wee bendy twig; she so much younger seemingly and the freedom in her limbs so evident, a vibrancy, a killer of a joy. And fear no neighbour of ours no siree for we would and the feelings!! What you could imagine

My face ruddy now but otherwise not much changed. How many times must I still stare at the frying pans and grill and toasters: even after these years still concentrating like a bastard on things that should be instinctive, engrained. The clatter of something outside like a binlorry being used and then a howdoyoudo to a new customer tinkling the wee bell why the fuck they bother with the pleasantries and the smiles when their lives are not what they wanted,
what do they deserve

Bobby, she goes to me. Bobby!

I twist the head a bit and stare at her eyes staring at me. Hand on her hip I'm a little tea-pot short and. Someone there with their hand up in a wee hello but I'm going blind, living in a world of greasy smudges. Eventually I nod the head and then turn away from her resuming poking and flipping.

Bobby, Mr Gillespie's usual please!

Aye aye him. And the old guy there with the courteous manner and neat old dress sense, tremendous optimist and believer in technology, its stunning humane-affirming advances; and that voice she herself adopts with him, not falseness as such but a something no quite right anyway

Mushrooms, sausages, eggs, ham, totty scones, fucking beans all cakey and how no a wee fucking scone to wash the whole lot down, a dishwater chaser for the dashing octogenarian my it's amazing the constitution of an ox

These young people today have no respect it was different in our day we didni have much but by Christ yon hessian sacks for underwear bit itchy but you had to be grateful for what

Why is smoke so acrid from this grill.

So eventually here goes old slippery foodstuffs onto a plate and crashed down on the counter. I can see the other guy there kind of looking up, wondering whether he's to come and collect

A little pot of jam with your toast Mr Gillespie! Just for a change ha ha! What a bellow and a hearty shoogle of the shoulders there and she now faces me, the old yin smiling in an quizzical fashion and this other guy deciding to stay put, he's rubbing his jaw in a contemplative manner, maybe weighing up just leaving knowing stuff isni right and he shouldni be here aye that's the spirit, telepathic the fellow

Fucking time there refracting and you're whizzing away up in the stratosphere with acid in the mouth all unbelievable rushing, like love or falling in love except better and you can remember and it's the opposite of vortex the new industrial cleanant that can remove the most stubborn of boak stains from cobbles

No, just the usual Bobby please.

The look from her, the frown. Then she's stepping forward to take the plate and I'm just standing like I'm about to fight her, batter her one except it's more likely she's going to batter me well just try it for fuck's sake you've got no right but they'd all think it's funny the sisters and that, smug wee clucks from them all

That's his over there. I take a pace back and lick the lips.

Thank you. Big upswing there on the second word fuck

Old Gillespie studying a paper from nowhere and it's her back view I'm checking out now as she proceeds to the guy. There's a whispered thing and he laughs but he's no looking at me. Her hand for leaning on the table.
Suddenly the radio's proclaiming the time and big old sobs you have to wonder how long you can contain them, maybe it's possible for ever, I bet you there's people who never let on, never give the game away

She's now back with the old yin, putting the sparkle in his eyes. My wee seat at the far side of the cooker, practically invisible from there, below counter level if I slump. I plank on more stuff and then only the shoulder against the metal casing and the heat amazing and real connection and there's transmutation or some weird thing

You get ok again, after a bit, resting